When it all comes down ...

I was married for 23 years ... and actually, at this writing, I still am.

I have two brilliant, gorgeous, hilarious, sons to show for it. Without my husband, I wouldn't have them - so, I've come to grips with the fact that despite how this is ending - I needed him in order to have these two precious miracles.

Divorce sucks. I'm not going to lie about it - or sugar coat it - or spend my time trying to convince myself or any of you that it isn't one of the most painful processes on the planet. It would be a disservice to all those who have gone before.

When you spend your whole life covering for someone else - being responsible for that person - receiving nothing in return - it not only gets exhausting - it sucks your soul right out of your nostrils. The worst part is watching that person completely disrespect all of the effort you made to make their life easier for the aforementioned 23 years ... not to mention all the thought and planning that you put into the separation - in an attempt to make their life as comfortable as possible. It hurts ... but, as my good friend told me "if it didn't end badly - it wouldn't end" ...

You see, I had believed that *I* could somehow make this work on a level that was unprecedented! That *I* had the power to make this transition a smooth and peaceful process. I really believed that *I* had that kind of power over space and time.

*I* was sadly mistaken but, enough about that ... let's talk about why I'm here.

25 years ago, I had just graduated from high school and my then boyfriend of three years was going into his senior year. At some point, he decided that he needed a girlfriend who was *there* ... so, he told me to "move on" and "find someone else."

I was devastated. Pure and simple.

I didn't see him again until a month before my husband and I got married. He kept making all the same 'inside' jokes we had made when we were together but, the love I had for my husband was so strong at that point, that I didn't flinch at the teeny piece of kryptonite hovering just beneath the surface.

I had asked him earlier in the relationship "what happens if we don't get married?" His response? "Don't worry, one day when we're older and our marriages are over ... we'll find each other..."

And that we did ... in a Starbucks parking lot ...

The world goes 'round
no one knows what it all means
you're still out there
lookin' for a brand new scene

And I'm still here
never have been hard to find
When new gets old
I'll be playing on your mind

When it all comes down
look for me, I'll still be around
When it all comes down
look for me, I'll still be around

The day will come
when there's nothing new to see
and then you'll know
here is where you want to be

You know my song
used to take your heart away
That same old feelin'
is goin' to bring you back to stay