Now that the love is gone ...

We had not seen each other in over 23 years ... I had heard about him through the grapevine and I had carried bitter resentment around to help keep the kryptonite under control ...

The previous two years before I saw him again, I had come to realize that my marriage was merely a rote function. I didn't have the desire I once had for my husband and his addictions had become so incredibly unappealing and cumbersome to the relationship as a whole that I shut down. We still had marital relations and we still laughed and played like nothing was wrong - but - it was painfully obvious to me that something was very wrong.

In October of 2008, out of the blue - I ran across his wife's name in a reunion forum ... seeing her maiden name made me realize that I had indeed worked with her brother at a job about 16 years before. At that moment, a conversation I had with him re-entered my mind and I realized that he had asked me about *him* all those years ago. I remembered the resentment had resurfaced and I "went off" ... my friend never told me "why" he had asked ... and I never pursued it. He had told me that I reminded him of his sister and showed me pictures of her daughter - who looked exactly like her daddy - but, it never clicked that he could be her husband until I saw that name on the listing ...

For the first time in years, I had thought of him. The kryptonite started to glow.

In June of the following year, a mutual friend of mine posted a picture on Facebook.com. I had decided not to respond to the picture - but - upon realizing that he was not ON Facebook and would never see the comment - I decided to go ahead and do it ...

On June 30th, he sent me a message ... short and sweet ... completely appropriate and non-threatening. I responded in kind. There was a short exchange and he sent me a friend request ... which I did not accept. I also didn't ignore it. So, it sat ...

My husband's 25th reunion was shortly after that ... I watched him drop almost 15 pounds in preparation for the event and stood by as he scanned the crowd for old friends ... then the mob found him. There were about seven women who circled him. Ooohing and awwwing over him like a newborn. He was an attractive man - but - as attractive as he was - I felt like saying "You want him? Take him."

In August, my boss had another coronary attack and it was at that point - that I knew I had to make a change. My husband was killing himself with drugs and alcohol. He had migraines and his stomach was constantly in knots ... his cholesterol was high, his diet sucked and he was getting heavier and heavier ... obviously - I was doing something wrong and as hard as I had tried all the years prior - I just got tired of trying. I got tired of caring. I got tired of feeling responsible. I got tired of being tired.

I had heard that my old boyfriend was getting a divorce and had told my husband. Within a month, I would ask for my own divorce.

What are we supposed to do
after all that we've been through
When everything that felt so right is wrong
Now that the love is gone ...

There is nothing left to prove
No use to deny this simple truth
Can't find the reason to keep holding on
Now that the love is gone

When it all comes down ...

I was married for 23 years ... and actually, at this writing, I still am.

I have two brilliant, gorgeous, hilarious, sons to show for it. Without my husband, I wouldn't have them - so, I've come to grips with the fact that despite how this is ending - I needed him in order to have these two precious miracles.

Divorce sucks. I'm not going to lie about it - or sugar coat it - or spend my time trying to convince myself or any of you that it isn't one of the most painful processes on the planet. It would be a disservice to all those who have gone before.

When you spend your whole life covering for someone else - being responsible for that person - receiving nothing in return - it not only gets exhausting - it sucks your soul right out of your nostrils. The worst part is watching that person completely disrespect all of the effort you made to make their life easier for the aforementioned 23 years ... not to mention all the thought and planning that you put into the separation - in an attempt to make their life as comfortable as possible. It hurts ... but, as my good friend told me "if it didn't end badly - it wouldn't end" ...

You see, I had believed that *I* could somehow make this work on a level that was unprecedented! That *I* had the power to make this transition a smooth and peaceful process. I really believed that *I* had that kind of power over space and time.

*I* was sadly mistaken but, enough about that ... let's talk about why I'm here.

25 years ago, I had just graduated from high school and my then boyfriend of three years was going into his senior year. At some point, he decided that he needed a girlfriend who was *there* ... so, he told me to "move on" and "find someone else."

I was devastated. Pure and simple.

I didn't see him again until a month before my husband and I got married. He kept making all the same 'inside' jokes we had made when we were together but, the love I had for my husband was so strong at that point, that I didn't flinch at the teeny piece of kryptonite hovering just beneath the surface.

I had asked him earlier in the relationship "what happens if we don't get married?" His response? "Don't worry, one day when we're older and our marriages are over ... we'll find each other..."

And that we did ... in a Starbucks parking lot ...

The world goes 'round
no one knows what it all means
you're still out there
lookin' for a brand new scene

And I'm still here
never have been hard to find
When new gets old
I'll be playing on your mind

When it all comes down
look for me, I'll still be around
When it all comes down
look for me, I'll still be around

The day will come
when there's nothing new to see
and then you'll know
here is where you want to be

You know my song
used to take your heart away
That same old feelin'
is goin' to bring you back to stay